We Haven't Had Sex in Months. Is Our Marriage in Trouble?

By Emil Harker, MS, LMFT · Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist · 27 years helping couples

Short answer: If there isn't a medical issue, you are in trouble. But it's not a marriage death sentence. Months without sex usually means something in the marriage needs serious attention: stress, resentment, distance, health, or a pattern you've both gotten stuck in. The good news is that physical closeness can be rebuilt. The bad news is that ignoring it never makes it better.

Brian kept count

Brian and Kelly came to see me after Brian said something he regretted. (This is a real life example but their names have changed.) He had been keeping count. Ninety-four days. When he finally said the number out loud, Kelly heard it as an accusation, and she was hurt and furious.

Brian felt rejected. Kelly felt pressured. Both of them felt lonely. And neither of them knew how to talk about it without it turning into a fight.

Why sex fades

I call sexual intimacy the superglue of a marriage. When it's working, it helps hold everything else together. When it fades, couples often start to feel like roommates. Here's what usually sits underneath:

• Stress and exhaustion. Kids, work, money and health eat up the energy desire needs.
• Poor conflict resolution. It's hard to want someone you're quietly angry with. Unresolved conflict travels to the bedroom.
• Resentment. As unresolved conflict builds, we start seeing our partners differently, in a negative light that makes us not "like" them even though we still "love" them.
• Pressure. When one person keeps asking and the other keeps saying no, every touch can start to feel like a request. This turns into a pursue withdrawal cat and mouse. A pattern that usually turns into a fight and more distance.
• Different kinds of desire. Desire discrepancies. Some people feel desire out of the blue. Many others, often but not always women, feel it in response to closeness and the right setting. learning how to turn these differences into depth is the goal.
• Health and history. Hormones, medications, pain, depression, past trauma, and pornography can all play a role.

Learning how to bring up issues and resolve issues can make a huge difference. That's what "communication with the desired outcome" is all about comes in. It's not that your partner doesn't care, they just don't know how to bring up issues in a way that creates closeness.

What makes it worse

1. Keeping score. Counting days turns intimacy into a debt.
2. Guilt-tripping or sulking. It adds pressure, and pressure kills desire.
3. Avoiding the topic entirely. Silence lets resentment grow on both sides.
4. Treating it as one person's problem. Low desire in one partner almost always involves the relationship, too.

What actually helps

1. Assume Good Intent. If your spouse isn't interested, it's rarely about punishing you. Most people are doing the best they can. Start from curiosity instead of accusation: "I miss being close to you. What gets in the way for you?"

2. Take the pressure off. Many couples I work with agree to a season of affection without expectation: hugging, kissing, cuddling on the couch, with no assumption that it leads anywhere. It sounds backwards, but when touch feels safe again, desire often returns.

3. Fix the non-sexual connection first. Desire grows out of feeling seen, respected and cared for. Ten minutes of real conversation a day, a shared laugh, help without being asked. These matter more than you'd think.

4. Talk about it like teammates. Use Communicating with the Desired Outcome in Mind: before you bring it up, decide how you want your spouse to feel when the conversation is over. If the answer is "wanted, not pressured," plan your words around that.

5. Rule out the medical stuff. Talk to a doctor about hormones, medications, pain or anything else physical. It's often part of the picture.

I'll be honest: this is one of the hardest topics for couples to talk about, me included. My wife can tell you I didn't always handle it gracefully early in our marriage. Knowing the principles and living them are two different skills.

What happened with Brian and Kelly

Brian stopped counting. He started asking Kelly about her day and actually listening. They agreed on four weeks of affection with no pressure. Kelly told me later, "For the first time in a long time, I could hug him without wondering what he wanted." A couple of months later, their physical relationship was coming back, slowly and on both of their terms.

The honest truth

There's no magic number of times a couple "should" have sex. But lack of intimacy (inside and outside of intercourse) is a red flag.  What matters is whether you're both fulfilled with where things are. If one of you is quietly hurting, that's worth addressing. And if physical intimacy has ever involved pressure, coercion or fear, that needs professional help, and safety comes first.

Frequently asked questions

Is a sexless marriage grounds for divorce?

That's a personal decision, but most couples I see can rebuild intimacy when both are willing to work on it. Get help before you decide.

What if I'm the one who doesn't want sex?

You're not broken. Low desire usually has reasons. Exploring them, with your spouse and maybe a therapist, is the first step.

Can porn affect our sex life?

It can, for some couples. It can shape expectations and pull energy away from your real relationship. It's worth an honest conversation.

Should we see a sex therapist?

If you've been stuck for months and talking about it keeps ending in fights, yes. A trained therapist can help you talk about it safely.

Try this this week

• Say one thing you appreciate about your spouse every day, out loud.
• Offer one long hug a day, 20 seconds or more, with no expectation attached.
• Ask: "What helps you feel close to me?" Then listen without defending.

Where to start

If you're in Utah, I help couples rebuild intimacy, in person in Layton and online. For couples anywhere, The Deliberate Marriage program includes lessons on sexual intimacy for both husbands and wives. You might also read Can a Marriage Really Recover From an Affair?

About the author: Emil Harker, MS, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Layton, Utah (license #317686-3902), with 27 years of experience helping couples through betrayal, conflict and disconnection. He's the author of You Can Turn Conflict Into Closeness and Confidence In Conflict, and the host of The Emil Show podcast.